The Life After
/At 39 weeks, I lost my son, Omari. I was so close to term, only six days away from my due date and I lost everything. The moment when the doctor said those three words, I felt like the world just ended. It has been a rough six months since then and at times it feels like it just happened but yet the days are so long. I have read several blogs, books, and articles, just about everything to try find understanding and how to adjust. I finally came to the resolution there is no way to adjust to live in this “new normal”. You are living in the life after.
Every day I feel different, every day my grief is different. I might not have a strong wave in the morning but who knows about tonight. There isn’t an adjustment period for mothers who suffered loss. Your life never becomes a routine. The life you so wanted and prepared for is not there and might never become. The day after losing Omari was day one and life now is just that, life after my loss.
The life after your loss will always be an adjustment and I don’t know if there is a period that it becomes familiar that your child is not here. I do know there is a life after losing your child, whether miscarriage, stillbirth or infant loss, it is just different. Mothers who suffer loss will never get in routine to tell their story, we relive it every time. It will never be the norm that their child has died, and it will always be the life after the loss of my child or children. The adjustment period doesn’t exist for us who live in the after. Your child’s memory will always be there, the love will never go away. Their existence will never disappear.
Who you are now is someone different from who you were before. You have a totally different outlook on life and people. You are not quick to judge someone, you do not get mad or frustrated over something small. You just lived through the most unimaginable experience no one wants to go through. In the life after, you have to come to the understanding that you lived and want to treasure every moment. Healing does come, although it may seem at times it’s not there, but it is there hidden. Healing will always be there.
I know the memories I have I treasure. The 39 weeks I was pregnant was the best time of my life. The 25 weeks I have been living in the after is a process of healing, becoming stronger, and learning this new me. As I’m living in the after, I realize I am doing better even though I may not feel like it and do not know how I made it this far. The after is much harder than anyone knows and only another mother who suffered a loss could understand. Each day you will grow to have hope, healing, and understanding. You try to live better for yourself and in the memory of the child you lost.
Written by Sharmila Farrow, Mother to Omari Farrow who passed away at 39 weeks. Sharmila and I met along with her husband, Ray, at Kindermourn and have continued to stay close and lean on each other for support. The picture of the elephant reminds Shar of Omari as his room, all the stuffed animals, bedding, clothes, etc were this theme. To honor Omari, Shar got an elephant tattoo.