Jekyll and Hyde
/I have referred to others in the past as Jekyll and Hyde, which is defined as a person, or thing that alternately displays two different sides to their character or nature. In other words, someone who is one person one minute and completely different another. I never felt this was me until the loss of Arbor. Of course, I may not have been self-aware enough to recognize this prior and if this is the case I do apologize to my loved ones and friends!
Through this journey of loss and grief, I have found every day varies and even moment to moment in each day can be different. It can be a normal day (although not sure what normal is anymore) and then something can trigger and I turn into a completely different person. There are too many triggers to list and I never know what they are going to be as they can be different day-to-day or minute-to-minute. One day/moment seeing a baby won’t affect me and then the next day or later that day it can be a completely different story and over take me. This also goes along with discussions I have with my husband, loved ones and friends. One day I am feeling strong enough to talk about Arbor or other babies and pregnancies and the next I can’t even believe they would think it is okay to bring up the topic.
There are so many emotions thrashing through your body from sadness, to anger, to jealousy, to sorrow, to anguish, to frustration, to fear, to emptiness, to numbness, to determination, to hope, to love, etc.. (I can’t name all emotions that happen when you lose a child). The change of emotions can happen very quickly and it is like the most extreme roller coaster I have ever ridden. On top of this your hormones are raging as you were just pregnant or gave birth so you have those hormones to deal with on top of the grief. It is very confusing and I have had to accept and embrace my inner “Jekyll and Hyde.” I remember cooking dinner one night with my husband, Adrien, asking him is it possible to be Happy and Sad at the same time. I was content in that moment with him but had this deep agony and sadness missing our little girl.
It can be very difficult on your loved ones as well because they don’t know your tipping points and when and what to talk about with you. I have found asking them to let me drive conversations around the loss of Arbor helps. What is hard with this, is that one-day I will want to talk about Arbor or ask questions about their children and babies and so we will engage in these conversations. The next time I see them or speak with them, I won’t be able to handle these conversations so it is hard for family and friends to navigate with me. I can go from a cheerful Kristin to a very quickly sad and angry Kristin in a few seconds. I am the first to admit that I am completely Jekyll and Hyde when it comes to my emotions.
Sometimes no matter what a person says, even though you know deep down they are trying to be helpful, they just can’t say the right thing. I have been working hard on realizing that almost everyone's’ intentions are good. Loss is scary for people and they don’t know what to say and, even if they did, I am not sure it would matter.
As time goes on, I have less Jekyll and Hyde moments but they still happen. Recently, I was having a pretty good/balanced day of working out, working on Arbor’s Angels and was cooking a delicious dinner. I went to walk my dog, Lola, and ran into one of our neighbors. We were having a good conversation when he let me know he and his wife are expecting. I told him congratulations and that I was so very happy for him and his wife. We talked a bit longer and when I got back inside I just lost it. I am happy for them, just so heartbroken over the loss of our sweet Arbor.
Know it is okay to have these mixed emotions and it is totally normal as hard and frustrating as it is. Part of what I struggle with the most is how angry I can get and how that is not like me “or the old me.”