Moments

This is my first blog post which makes me nervous to post as writing has never been a strong area of mine or spelling! (just ask my friends :)) But I have a story to tell and one I never thought I would be telling.  

This year has thrown my husband and I for a loop. We were preparing to welcome our daughter, Arbor Marie, to the world when the unimaginable happened. Her heart stopped beating and she was born Still.  Since this moment, our lives have been changed forever and continue to be changed.  We will never be the same people we were and are learning how to live with this new reality.  

Each day has brought new challenges dealing with this grief and the only way I have been able to get through the days is to break them down into “moments”.  By doing this, it helps me compartmentalize. In other words, just because I have a breakdown or bad moment it doesn’t define the entire day.   This has helped as there have been some really bad and crazy moments!

I have had moments walking our dog Lola where I have purposely avoided a neighbor as I am afraid they will ask me how I am doing and I don’t want to breakdown. I have had moments at the grocery store (these are worst places to go) where I have been a “stalker” and creepily watched mothers with babies or pregnant women until my husband has gotten me quickly out of the store.  I find for some reason I can’t stop staring at these women and it can become overwhelming as I just wish it was me with Arbor.   I have had moments where I have been inconsolable with ugly nonstop crying that lasts for a long time.  I have had to leave church as the tears won't stop pouring down my face.   I will be in the middle of something and completely forget what I am doing as I am lost in my thoughts about our sweet Arbor and just breakdown.  There are moments that I am so angry I have cussed up a storm to my Mom (I rarely say curse words in-front of my Mom) and wanted to go and hit someone.   In fact, I almost got into an argument with a woman at the grocery store because she moved my cart and didn’t say excuse me.  That was a new low for me and trust me, there have been many new lows over this journey.  

There have also been good moments.  I am working on remembering the good moments and putting more emphasis on them when looking back at the day.  In the beginning, seeing the good moments was hard, but they were there. You just have to look for them! It can be the small things such as seeing a cardinal or butterfly and knowing it is my Arbor saying "Hi Mom".  It can be cracking a joke with my husband and knowing that I am so fortunate to have him by my side in this grief.  It is seeing the flowers on our trees and plants bloom in Arbor’s Garden.  It is love and cuddles I get from my sweet dog, Lola, when she knows I am upset.  It is the overwhelming love, support, and prayers we have received from our family and friends.  The good moments have become more and more and I hold tight to these as they are what matter.  Seeing beauty and being able to smile or laugh even if only for a moment is a reminder to me that this is what defines my day not the tough or sad moments.  

There are so many moments on this journey of grief and healing it is hard to take in all of them. Just know that because you have had a bad moment or 100 bad moments in a day that there is a new day tomorrow where you can have more good moments.