Life of Missing Milestones
/We lost our little girl at 36 weeks and 3 days. I had no prior problems or reasons to believe that something was about to completely change our entire lives. I was exactly 3 weeks from my scheduled C-section date and had a perfectly normal pregnancy. I went in for a routine visit and it was then they could not find a heartbeat. My doctor was actually at a delivery so this was all happening with unfamiliar faces. They took me back to an ultrasound room and my doctor happened to see me go into the room. She later joined me and the ultrasound tech to be the one to say those three terrible words…I’M SO SORRY. I was in complete shock. I yelled a few words and then it felt like I was suffocating. I couldn’t think. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t cry. I was just sitting there staring off into space thinking this couldn’t really be happening. WHY? I thought I was in the “safe zone”. I have since learned there is no such thing as a “safe zone” anywhere in life. That next day on August 25, 2015 we held our baby girl, Skyler Grace, for the first and the last time. She was 5 lbs. 5 oz. and 19 in. long and absolutely beautiful. We never did get a why, but I have come to peace with that.
There are so many decisions to make about your little angel while you can’t even comprehend what has just happened. Do you want to bury or cremate? What funeral home are you going to use? Do you want pictures and / or keepsakes? If you choose cremation, they then ask if you would like something cremated with her? Who is ever ready for these questions, much less when you have had less than 24 hours to grasp that your world has just been turned upside down. It was all too much for me. I did take pictures, but I did not take enough. I am very thankful that I did check those boxes for the keepsakes on these sheets you never imagined you would see. I wish I would have spent more time with my beautiful angel and I wish I had more pictures, seeing how those are the only things I have left on this earth of our sweet girl.
I seem to see life as before and after Skyler. They are very different and I am very different. I look at life and people very differently. I try to be as “normal” as I can be especially for my little girl, Jordan. She has had to experience something so difficult that many people never have to deal with let alone at the young age of 5. We are very open about Skyler and encourage Jordan to talk about her whenever she wants.
We just celebrated Skyler’s 1st birthday and I cannot believe it was a year ago. I feel like this year I have lived in a fog. I also feel like so many people expect you to be back to “normal” so quickly after this has happened. I don’t think I can explain that I will never be the same. I’m living without one of my children. It is not just a lost baby…we have lost all milestones we look forward to as parents. The first steps, the first words, the birthdays, driving lessons, the sports, the wedding, the grandchildren and so many in between those big ones. It is a life of missing milestones. It is a life with a huge hole in your heart. I am never going to get over this loss, but I am learning to live this new “normal” life with one child here on earth and one in Heaven. When asked how many children I have, I now answer one here on earth and one in Heaven. My answer often makes people uncomfortable, but I am not going to not talk about my daughter in Heaven because someone else is uncomfortable.
As for the last year, it has been a difficult one. Some days are harder than others. I have more good days than bad now, but there is never a moment that passes that I do not miss our little girl. I also still have those days where I can do nothing but cry. I often think about what life would be like with two little girls running around the house. I know I will always miss my little girl, but I find comfort in knowing that we will eventually get to spend eternity together, which is much longer than life on this earth. I love when I am asked about Skyler because that means people remember she did exist. And we did lose our daughter.
Written by Alicia Lawrence
I was introduced to Alicia from a good friend and co-worker of mine soon after we lost Arbor. Alicia had lost Sklyer a few months prior and was so kind to be a strong support to me. The picture posted is of beautiful Sklyer, her older sister, and Dad.